How to Ask for Help

Asking for help and reaching out to people was difficult for me, but I got better at it over time. I tried to capture some of my learnings below. And a reminder from me to you: most people like to be helpful, so help us help you.

1. Recognize you need help. If you're anything like me, someone who is a youngest child who raised themselves and likes being independent and autonomous, it can be hard to acknowledge that you can't control everything and you can't do everything by yourself. And that the outcome won't even be better if you go it alone. So the first step is to acknowledge that you are a creature that needs help, so take a look and reflect: where do you need support?

2. Clarify and refine your ask. Now it's time to practice saying the words out loud. Reach out to a friend or trusted confidant and practice sharing what you need help with. They can repeat it back to you and go deeper with you to see if there might be something more there, or if something's not clear. You can have this clarifying and refining chat with your favorite AI tool or your therapist if that's where you want to start, but it can be helpful to test it out and bat it around with friends.

3. Reach out. Now identify the folks that you think could be helpful to you in chipping away at your problem. Then you can do the usual things: prep and outline your outreach message, identify folks who might be able to introduce you to those people if you don't already know them, introduce yourself, give context, and remember that you're writing to a human being. I prefer to receive messages on LinkedIn, but others may feel differently, so be respectful of their preferred channel too. Keep it nice and succinct and make your ask clear and low lift. If you think I could help you with your problem, feel free to reach out to me on LinkedIn.

4. Send a thank you and follow up. Having gratitude and appreciation for people's time helps you reflect on the call and feel positively about the interaction, and also gives you an opportunity to share the specifics of how they helped you and to bring up any suggestions or follow-on actions that were agreed upon during the conversation. Consider including a note about a person you recommend they connect to or a book they might like, as a way of giving something back. Overall, it is good practice to remember gratitude, and to solidify the tone of the interaction.

These are general suggestions, not specifics. If you would like more support in this area, I can share examples with you or review your correspondence. Be ready for the help to come in different forms: I don't have capacity for this; I can't help you in this way, but this person could be helpful; good luck and best wishes; etc. Be ready to give support when it's asked of you, too. This guide can help you set boundaries, and feel free to share it with those you're guiding.